Innocence Lost
by ohwarriorprincess
Summary: Elena grew up in an abusive broken home, her childhood friend Damon her savior. When his parents divorce, he's forced to move away to live with his father and Elena never hears from him again. Her life never improves, and remains jaded to this day. That is until a successful Damon returns, but how do they make up for all these lost years and Elena's betrayal for Damon leaving her?
1. Reminisce

It's the twenty-third of September.

This day comes and goes every year, but even though it has been sixteen long years, this date is difficult all the same. The emotions still weigh heavy on me as I lie awake in my bed staring up at the ceiling, my mind now engulfed with feelings I cannot rid myself of. I begin to feel my chocolate hued irises well up with tears and I force myself to cease this full blown meltdown that's brewing. I sit up in bed wiping away the tears that have so many times defeated me in the past.

'No!' I think to myself, filling my lungs with a sharp intake of breath.

I can't let this possess me anymore. I won't…

As I raise slowly from the mattress, I glance toward the nightstand beside me. A picture of me and my mother is at the end of my intent gaze. The picture holds so many memories, seemingly frozen in time. My innocence, happiness, childhood. It was today especially that I realize how much was lost on this day sixteen years ago, though the other three hundred sixty four days are just as difficult.

I grab my necklace hanging beside my bed, and I feel just the a hint of a smile spread across my lips as I close the clasp around my neck. I run my finger over the gold heart shaped locket that now lay against my collarbone, and in this instant I can feel my mother here with me. The locket was a present for my first day of first grade. On the back an engraving that reads 'I love you, my sweet Elena'. I wear it every day. I rummage through my drawers, retrieving a few slightly wrinkled items and quickly dress myself in my favorite pair of dark wash jeans and a plain black v-neck to accompany them.

I make my way down the stairs toward the foyer and I am instantly struck by the shards of sunlight poking through from behind the curtains. I slip into the cardigan that lay on the entryway table and make my way out of the front door, leaving the grimness of home behind me. The moment I step outside I'm pinged by the sensation of the cool fall's day against my bare neck as I start off down the sidewalk. I really should have worn a scarf.

I know my destination well as I've come here every year for sixteen consecutive years. I glance around along the way, admiring the immaculately trimmed grass, and trees with leaves of rustic red, yellow, and orange hues. Mystic Falls really is something special this time of year.

Coming now to the opening of a dirt covered path, I begin the long trek down through the now much denser trees which line the walkway. I cross my arms over my chest to try and rid myself of the chill as my mind flashes back to my childhood. I remember coming here with my mother on special occasions, and when my mother was at work, I remember showing my best friend Damon this seemingly magical land.

Damon….  
My mind deviates, and all I can see in front of me is Damon and myself running through these woods as children, and the fort Damon's father built for us so I could get away from my father. When reality comes rushing back, I realize the vivid colors and senses that I had just experience were all just a distant memory. The trail I walk now lacks the vibrancy of my memories, everything now is simply muted and washed out.

In the back of my mind I wondered how he is. 'No!' I tell myself. I don't. He hurt me, he left me here by myself and never thought of me again. How could he? Why? My thoughts trail off once I reach my final destination. A bench. _The bench._ Where me and my mother would sit, overlooking the vast lake. A wonderland, so far away from reality.

I sit here on the bench by the brook of the lake, the soothing ebb and flow of the water so relaxing. I close my eyes and let my lungs fill with the cool day's air, tranquility cocoons me like a warm blanket.

My eyes flicker shut...

* * *

_'Two children run through the densely scattered trees, grabbing handfuls of leaves that had covered the ground and throwing them in the air for them to fall back on themselves. They were running carefree, kicking up the leaves that had painted the ground. "I bet you can't catch me Damon!" Elena exclaimed, running as quickly as her short legs could manage. Damon was much faster than her, yet he pretended as though he couldn't catch up to her. "Go easy on me!" Damon shouted, and just moments later he'd scooped Elena up into a tight embrace, as they fell to the ground together. A soft harmonic giggle left Elena's lips as she sat there beside her friend, genuinely happy. Reaching around in the soil below the layer of leaves, she found a small twig. She began to brush away a clearance in the soil, and dug the twig through the dirt carving out their initials. 'E+D' A bright smile lit up Elena's face. "You promise we'll be friends forever… Right?" Elena questioned, looking at him through her angelic lashes. "I promise." Damon replied genuinely. She felt alive when she was with him, he made her forget. He made her happy.'_

* * *

The wind howls angrily and a large gust of air steals me from my daydream. I look before me, but all I see now are the bare trees against the dull gray sky. It's funny how memories work, isn't it? They can bring such utter euphoria but then you're faced with the cold, hard reality of it all.

I find myself constantly wondering what life would be like had things happened differently. If my mother was still alive. If I'd had grown up in a loving home. If Damon had stayed. I lost myself when I lost him. He was my savior. My life began to spiral downward, my depression got the best of me. For years I have held out a glimmer of hope that one day my life would fall into place. But here I am, now sixteen years later and I am just as lost as the day it happened.


	2. Broken

I pick myself up from the bench and observe how the sky always seems to look so grim on this day. Colors are more muted than usual, the sun doesn't shine how it normally does and clouds steal the sky. It's a long walk back now, as my mind quickly becomes a whirlwind of emotion. I am lost in my own world. I've always lived for now, and right now all I know is how little my life has turned out as I once imagined.

I think of my father, the man who has caused so much of my pain. I haven't spoken to him for almost fifteen years to the day; the day he was locked away forever. Nothing but a nine by twelve cell and his regrets. He tried to reach out to me once, years back. My eighteenth birthday. He wrote about how sorry he was and how if he could he would have done everything differently and given me and my brother Jeremy the lives we deserved. That letter is now somewhere in Potomac River, a testament to how I felt about his apology.

* * *

_'You have no idea what you have done to me this time do you, Samantha?" Jonathan Gilbert's voice was shaking in anger. There was a rage in his eyes that Samantha had never quite seen before, his eyes were dark, barely glistening from the reflection of the outside street lamp. Jonathan paced back and forth, his breathing strained and erratic, "That's it, I've had it!" He shouted, the strain in his voice evident. Samantha Gilbert took a sharp intake of breath, and looked down at her wedding ring. How could things have gotten this bad? How could their marriage, which produced two loving children come to this?_

_Jonathan shoved Samantha down onto the bed, gritting his teeth together as he reached his hand up and slapped her once, firmly, across the face. "Ah!" Samantha screamed, writhing in pain as she rubbed her cheek, the stinging feeling something she was used to. "What are you doing Jonathan? Please! Please don't do this!" She pleaded, her breathing intensifying. "Shut up Samantha, I swear if you don't fucking shut up!" Jonathan screamed, furrowing his eyebrows he looked to the left toward the night table then back at his wife. "John!" She cried out, as low sobs began to bellow out from her lips._

_Mr. Gilbert hurried toward the night table swiftly pulling out the top drawer, his hands began to rummage through the contents of the drawer. Looking back toward his wife of thirteen years, who he was trying so hard to reconcile with after the abuse on his part, which ultimately forced her into the arms of a new man. Never taking his eyes off of Samantha, Jonathan raised a small, silver metal handgun from the drawer. "No, John! Stop it!" Samantha begged, her low sobs now turning into a fit of hysterics. There was silence, John said nothing as a look of rage crept across his face. His eyes went blank as he rose the hand holding the handgun just inches from his beloved wife's head. Samantha shook her head, her eyes flooded with tears. "John, I didn't mean for all of this to happen. You have to believe me! You forced me to do this, John! The strain you caused on our relationship, the abuse I endured; and the children. Jonathan think of Elena and Jeremy! Please!" Her voice a desperate tone, Samantha was shaking, terrified of the man in front of her; a man she could no longer see as the man she'd fallen in love with so many years ago._

_John shook his head, his finger curling around the trigger as he pressed his lips into a hard line. "Damn it, Samantha! Everything is ruined, this is not how it should be! I'm sorry, Samantha. I'm sorry. If I can't have you, then no one can!" Jonathan took a sharp intake of breath, and curled his finger tighter around the trigger. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. Three loud shots rang out throughout the Gilbert residence._

_Elena lay awake in her bed, an eerie silence falling over the home, shortly followed by the blaring sound of sirens. Flashes of red and blue crept across the wall of Elena's room as she rose from her bed, her teddy bear in hand. She walked down the corridor where all the men in uniform seemed to be rushing through in a hurry. "Mommy?" She asked, her voice pleading with worry. Not one of the men rushing in and out of her parents bedroom noticed her tiny innocent body. As Elena glanced into the room which she had so many times, she immediately knew something was wrong. Though only seven years old, she knew her mother who now laid lifeless on the bed in front of her, was hurt. "Mommy!" She shouted, her eyes flooding quickly with tears. "Get her out of here! Check to see if there are any other children." One of the men dressed in a long black trench coat ordered, and quickly Elena was scooped up by one of the policemen and hurried out of the bedroom.'_

* * *

The sound of a screeching car shake me from the nightmare I have replayed so many times before. Those images haunt me to the core, so vivid, as though these sixteen years were nothing more than a mere sixteen minutes. I walk along the sidewalk back toward my house, alone with nothing but the the memories of my tormented reality. A sigh escapes my lips, I'm tired of it all. I am weak, physically exhausted by these thoughts that constantly wrack my brain. I'm sick of the days I spend crying that my life didn't turned out quite how I'd planned. Will this feeling seemingly embedded somewhere deep within the foundation of my being ever go away?

I need to move on.

I continue on down the block, and I steal a quick glance over at the Salvatore residence. There had not been much going on in the house directly next door from my own, quiet mostly. My eyes lock onto the sight of a man in front of the home. He's getting out of his ritzy silver Bentley Continental GT, and I note how there is a certain self-assured composure about him. He has an effortless, unexplainable confidence. This guy must live the life. What is he doing at the Salvatore residence? Surely he's lost, no one has visited Elizabeth Salvatore in years. She wasn't much for visitors, or maybe she had none. I wouldn't know, we haven't spoken since Damon and his father left her and she shut the rest of the world out. I can relate to her though, sometimes it's best to simply discard all emotion. If you live without emotion you will never have to experience the hurt, the pain, and the anguish. Maybe that is no way to live though, maybe after all I've been through I should let people in. I should try and see all the good that life has to offer. Maybe I don't really want to know what's good for me.

I look over once more at the alluring man next door but I keep walking, I don't want to stare. As I walk up my stoned driveway, I feel my heartbeat quicken, but I am not sure why.

* * *

_**Thank you all so much for your kind words and feedback. I'm really excited for this fic, and I have it nearly all planned out and every time I complete another chapter even more ideas come to me. This is gonna be a long one, as I have a lot of story I want to tell so come with me and enjoy the ride. I can't stop myself from listening to Lana Del Rey songs for inspiration. This story may touch on some dark themes, and this is a warning to all that read if you are easily offended.**_

_**I am also looking for a beta, so if anyone is interested I'd love to hear from you. I am not used to writing in first person, so I tend to find words in the wrong tense while I proof-read, so an extra eye would be greatly appreciated.**_

_**Again, thank you so much for the love! I'm working hard on getting a bunch of chapters out for you all as quickly as my fingertips will allow!**_

_**Alyssa**_


	3. Betrayal

I can feel the mystery man's eyes on me like two lasers attempting to burn right through me. I finally reach my porch and as I search my key chain to find the correct key I realize my palms are clammy and my hands a bit shaky. I swallow hard past the lump that has since formed in my throat and enter the key into the lock.

"Elena?" His voice falters, laced with weariness and uncertainty.

I feel a surge shoot down my spine followed by a tingling sensation that lingers at the base of my neck. I know that voice. I hear it in my blissful dreams and my frightening nightmares. It's him. No matter how many years since I'd heard it last, I could never forget that voice. His voice is pure velvet playing over and over as the meaning behind this slowly begins to resonate with me. I feel the pull. Strong, near unyielding. I exhale deeply and slowly crane my neck toward my ultimate undoing.

My eyes immediately lock with his. God, are they piercing. Two glistening pools of blue, so mysterious but it's lovely. I feel the seconds slowly ticking away, though by now it feels as though I've been standing here for an eternity. I open my mouth to speak, but I don't dare utter a word. What is there I can possibly say in this moment? I feel as though I'm staring into eyes of a ghost from my past. And in a way, I am.

* * *

_Swinging open the front door, Elena emerged from the Larson residence with a expression of panic overcoming her face. "Oh, there you are!" She exclaimed relieved that, finally, after much searching she found her brother Jeremy out on their front porch._

_"Uh, here I am?" He said, not masking his confusion at all. A nonchalant chuckle bellowed out from her lips as she shrugged her shoulders. "I just worry that's all."_

_She took a seat now next to her brother who was working on a paper in deep concentration. Grabbing her diary from below the seat's cushion she placed it on the table and began to write. Elena wrote about everything; it was her way of remembering, so she could also forget. She thought that if she wrote down her thoughts, she would no longer have to bear them. But the burden was still there; it was always there. It was a dark cloud that loomed over her. Elena hoped she would find happiness again someday; she just wasn't entirely sure when that would be._

_Looking up from her drabbles she cocked her head, biting the inside of her lower lip. "Hey Jere, do you thin-" Quickly her attention was diverted away from her brother who sat in front of her, to the Salvatore home. Elena narrowed her eyes, trying to focus on the figure who stood by the doorway. It was Damon's father, hastily packing boxes away into his car. Her eyes flickered back toward her brother's whose curiosity was now peaked as well. "What do you think that's about?" She asked rhetorically, genuine curiosity lacing her words. Jeremy merely shrugged, pulling his lips up into a half smile. "I don't know El, maybe he's moving out." Elena scoffed at the thought; she let out a giggle though her fear ultimately showed through; it wasn't her normal carefree giggle that she'd had when she was with Damon._

_Damon stood at the door, holding one single box. He looked devastated, a look she had never seen on her friend in all the years they'd known each other. Worry crept over Elena's face._

_Her eyes held hope as she waited for him to look up toward her._

_But he never did._

_Her best friend got into the front seat of his father's car, and moments later it was reversing from their driveway. She watched the car fade into a small speck out in the distance, never once getting the satisfaction of even a fleeting glance._

_Elena sat up weeks after that day, peeking out of her bedroom's second-floor window. Nothing, not a stir in the Salvatore house. It seemed too still, as though the world was frozen in time. Frozen in time at the last sight of his taillights. Weeks passed, months, years. If only she'd known that would be the last time she would see him. Would things have happened any differently?_

* * *

Well, here he is. All these years spent wondering about him; all the unanswered questions. Is he happy? Does he ever think of me? Does he regret that he left and never said goodbye? Is it hard to face me right now?

Before I realize I've been silently at war with my own thoughts I see him begin to close the gap between the two of us.

Oh, God.

He's less than a yard away from me and my thoughts have become nothing but a painfully blaring silence. Any sense of composure is now gone for good; I can barely even keep my breathing steady. I fight the urge to break down right here and now. Part of me wants to run right into his arms and give him the type of hug that makes up for nine years. Though the other part of me wants to shove him and retreat to the sanctity of my home. Ironic, huh? My home considered the less painful option.

"H-how have you been?" His words wrap around me and I begin to process the loaded question.

How have I been? Horrible, miserable, broken entirely.

"I've been okay." My voice deceives me and I look down to avoid his knowing eyes.

"That's good to hear. You know I really wasn't expecting to see you here."

Of course you weren't. Who in their right mind would stay? My abusive, alcoholic father stole from me the only one who's truly loved me my entire life. My best and only friend left me without even the dignity of a goodbye. My mother's sister came to watch after me and my brother, a constant reminder of the worst loss a child could endure.

"Yeah. I'm right here where you left me." My words drip with disdain, and I realize that there's no masking my emotions. I've bottled up these very emotions for nine years, wondering if this day would ever come.

Here it is.

"Elena, I have always regretted not saying goodbye to you. To this day I regret it. You know how much you meant to me."

"You know, if I meant so much to you, why didn't you call? Why did you just leave me here to rot?"

"I just- I didn't know what to possibly say. As more time passed I struggled to find the words for an apology to justify what I did to you."

"Who are you trying to convince, Damon? You come back after all these years and what do you expect? For me to just cry on your shoulder and tell you how everything's all better? Well fuck you, Damon; nothing is all better. Nothing ever gets better."

I feel tears sting my eyes and I make the conscious decision not to hold them back anymore. Tears begin to fall in earnest now as low sobs escape me. I quickly turn away from Damon and reach for the doorknob.

I can't do this. No matter how many years I've had to prepare myself for this moment, I'm still not ready to face him.

He grabs my wrist and I turn my head around to meet his gaze. His eyes are pleading. His eyebrows come together, forming rough creases on his forehead.

"Elena, please. You have to let me explain... Please."

He doesn't deserve the satisfaction of whatever sort of explanation he has to give me but something in his icy blue eyes convinces me otherwise. I turn back toward the front door and turn the handle slowly, stepping inside. I look back at Damon, and when I do the pain in his eyes shocks me.

"Come in."

* * *

_**I really hope you all enjoy this chapter! Drop me a line and let me know what you think so far- it really brightens my day to hear from all of you! Also- a special thanks to Kim (kimbuhlay) for editing this one I really appreciate your help. :)**_

_**Alyssa**_


	4. Reflection

We share a quick glance before he wearily enters the doorway. In this quick moment I feel the weight of nine years of unanswered questions that have weighed so heavy on me suddenly become glaringly relevant. It's not too late. I can tell him that I can't do this, go on with the rest of my life with the same haunting thoughts that have so long consumed me.

He's careful with his eyes. I feel them on me for just a moment before they fall to study the grains in my hardwood. I shut the door, and with the momentary comfort of my back shielding me from his gaze, I shut my eyes.

You can do this, Elena. You can do this.

With a sharp intake of breath, I turn back around on my heels and face my undoing once again. I tilt my neck, signaling for Damon to follow me as I lead us both in the direction of the kitchen.

I stop at the island and motion for him to take a seat at the small dining table positioned in the far right corner of the kitchen. Full length windows line the small alcove, allowing the cloud covered sunlight to pour in.

"Would you like something to drink?" Our eyes meet, and I feel as though every nerve ending in my body is a live wire. There's something about his piercing eyes that have a way of penetrating me to the core.

"A water would be nice, thank you." He acknowledges with a slight nod.

I steal a glance as I begin to pour the water, Damon's intently focused on something outside the window as he brushes his fingers through his wind blown, unruly hair. Goodness, puberty was good to him. Damon was always a good looking boy, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't harbor a crush for him all the years we'd been best friends, but he is a man now. And he is flawless. Stubble now frames his defined jawline, and don't even get me started on those eyes. My anger subsides just slightly as I watch him... he is so painfully handsome.

A cooling sensation pooling around my hand snaps me from my trance. _Crap!_ I pour the overflowed glass into the empty one and make my way toward the table.

"Thank you." He reaches for the glass and his fingers brush against mine.

Get a grip, Elena.

There's no reason he should have this effect on me. This is the same Damon I'd built extensive blanket forts with, who I played dress up with, the same Damon who protected me from my father. I shouldn't be over analyzing every mere glance of his as though it holds some sort of untold significance. It doesn't. I should be cursing him, telling him I want nothing to do with him, Yet, here we are.

Damon takes a sip of his drink, "I know there is no explanation that could possibly suffice right now, but I need you to know that I thought of you every day. I fought with myself over when the right time to call you was but-" He clears his throat. "It just never seemed right. I prayed that my absence was the push you needed to fight your demons and turn your life around. I knew you would... I'm just- I am so sorry Elena."

The words leave his lips so effortlessly, a complete contradiction to the emotions that are welling up inside of me as a result. The sincerity in both his tone and his eyes are so genuine. I sip my drink, hoping to resolve the lump that has now formed in the back of my throat and I swallow hard, searching for the right words.

"Damon, I'm not going to lie to you and say that everything is okay, and that everything was fine when you left. You were my single anchor, holding me here in reality. If it weren't for you all of those years, I don't think I would be here today. You saved me Damon, everyday that we spent together you saved me. And to this day I struggle to find the words to repay you because no combination of words strewn together could ever embody how much you truly meant to me."

My eyes drift to the tiled floor below my feet, and I am silently warring with myself over why I chose to do this now, why I am about open the floodgates of my emotions that have been locked away for so many years. I open my mouth to finish my thought, but I am cut off.

"I never did any of that for you to repay me. Everything that I did, I did for you Elena.. and given the chance I would do it all over in a heartbeat. No relationship since could ever amount to the friendship we shared. I made a promise to myself that I'd keep you safe, and for eight years I did just that. I just want you to know that you haven't been the only one suffering these nine years."

His voice trails off, and I begin to understand the full magnitude of that loaded last sentence. So he did think of me. I wonder how often. I wonder if he felt the same painful aching in his heart as I did.

I take a sharp intake of breath, and hold it for a moment before I exhale slowly to ease my nerves. "You know, whenever I'd find myself thinking of you I always imagined you successful with some job that you love, one where you could showcase the empathy that I'm convinced is somewhere coded in your DNA. I found hope knowing that you wouldn't let your nurturing ways go to waste."

"Am I that easy to decipher?" He raises an eyebrow. "I've been an E.R Doctor for 6 months now back in Colorado. But I just got an incredible job offering here, and hence, here I am." A soft smile eases against his lips.

"That's incredible. You really do deserve it. Which hospital, if you don't mind me asking?"

"I begin at Northwest Hospital this coming Monday."

I nearly collapse in my chair, any sense of composure that I was able to muster up since Damon walked through my front door is now gone completely. "Northwest?" I question breathily. Of course that's what he said, but I question just to be sure. I feel my breathing becoming erratic, and I chew the inside of my bottom lip as I patiently wait for confirmation.

His eyes narrow at the apparent change in my demeanor. "Yes. The one and only Northwest."

Great. Well, at least I know my hearing is a-okay!

"Gosh it really is a small world. I just got a job as a receptionist at 'the one and only Northwest' a few months back." I watch his crystal blue eyes open wide as he takes a small sip from his drink. "E.R Department..." I finish guardedly as Damon just about chokes on his water.

"You could say that again.. it definitely got a whole lot smaller today."

All I can manage is a nod in response. I'm too busy trying to read Damon's expression. Is he angry about this information, excited, pensive, worried? I search his expression long and hard, but he's guarded. I don't blame him, here we are after an absence of nine years to both find out we'll be seeing quite a bit of each other. His words bring me back from my hopeful imagination.

"Well, I've really gotta get to unpacking. But you'll show me the ropes, right?" He has a sweet smile planted against his lips as picks himself up from the table; I follow behind him.

"Of course." My generic response is that last words we utter until we reach the door.

He turns to face me, and a look I have never seen washes across his face. He seems to be deep in thought, his brows furrowed just slightly, but before I have time to deduce his expression, he reaches his arms out and envelops me in a tight embrace. Memories quickly flood my brain, I feel as safe in his arms today as I did all those years ago, but this time I do not want to let go in fear that it will be another nine years until I feel this same comfort. I pull away from his body reluctantly, and find his eyes which now show no signs of hesitation as they had just moments before.

"It was great seeing you, Elena. I'm looking forward to seeing more of you." He turns the handle and steps out into the cool, fresh air.

"Likewise, Damon. See you Monday." I close the door behind him, and exhale loudly, the weight of a two ton boulder finally lifting from me. Thoughts of Monday begin to prick at me, as I play through different scenarios in my mind. This is going to be a long three days.

* * *

_**From the bottom of my heart I apologize for how long it has taken me to update this fic, but I guess you could say that life got in the way. It's been a very stressful and difficult few months for me, and I thank you so much for your patience. I'm actually working on Chapter 5 as we speak, and I'm hoping it will be up extremely soon (possibly even today!). I hope you enjoy this chapter, as I am so excited with where I'm going to be taking this. I hope you don't mind a slow build, but don't worry it will all pay off. Don't forget to drop me a line- I truly love your input more than anything. **_

**_XOXO,_**

**_Alyssa_**


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